I need some help.
About a year ago I was assaulted by someone that I really trusted. Someone who my therapist told me over and over again was a safe person. Looking back at the relationship now I see so much that was odd and not ok. I hate myself for not seeing the signs then. =[ After this happened my therapist kept pushing the same question over and over again….and in a swirl of emotions I told a major lie. A lie that in the past 10 months Ive spun a gigantic mess of lies and stories. I keep asking myself WHY ARENT THINGS GETTING BETTTER. ..then I realized its partly because Ive created this mess of lies and its become my life and is destroying me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it all stop. The only thing I can come up with is ending my life….don’t worry, I wont do it. Not that anyone is even reading this. I cant just tell my therapist “oh by the way that’s a lie and never happened “….Ive thought about just finding a new therapist, but that’s so difficult and stressful. Plus I really do like and trust my current therapist. The worse part is, is that I keep just feeding lies…making shit up for no reason. Well, Im sure there is a reason, I just don’t know what it is.
I keep thinking that the things Im saying are entirely possible and having the full story some of it could actually be fact…I don’t know. My brain hurts. I hate this. I hate me. I hate life. What ever.